Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters

Roommates arguably define your college experience. Whether or not they are your friends, they see you at your best and your worst -- and you return the favor. I still remember the comedy act I attended as part of a new student orientation freshman year. The comedian had a bit on freshman year roommates. Right now you're all probably like, Oh my gosh I LOVE my roommate. She is simply AMAZING. But just wait. Soon you'll notice that your PopTarts are mysteriously missing. And a couple months later, it won't seem so mysterious anymore. Your roommate is stealing your PopTarts!

There are two types of roommates: The ones with whom you can make PopTart-stealing jokes and the ones who are actually stealing your PopTarts. Luckily, my freshman year roommate was the former. And that's why I still live with her today. Others of you may not have been so fortunate (or unfortunate, as the case may be) resulting in uncomfortable run-ins with (ghosts) of roommates past.

The blanket statements end here, however, because one factor has a profound difference on the roommate relationship. And that factor is gender. The college roommate "situation" boils down to the psychological difference between men and women (if you've read enough of my work, you could have guessed it was coming here).

A couple months ago, I found myself playing referee for a serious game of rock-paper-scissors between my friend and his housemate. Stakes were pretty high: Loser had to pick up the remnants of a mystery lunch left in the living room and throw it away in a trash can ten steps away. Now I won't continue to belittle the situation because it is an elegant demonstration of male roommates in action. They identify the problem, confront the individuals involved, agree on a solution, then follow through. It's methodological, efficient, and effective. And afterwards? There are no hard feelings. Grudges are not in the vocabulary. The aforementioned males resumed television-watching after wiping the sweat off their brows from the well-played hand game.

Two girls would have approached this differently. They would have discussed how the trash most likely belongs to messy roommate #3, which would have spawned an elaborate conversation about her various other shortcomings. The two would have finally left the room (unable to bare the stench of the trash), waiting for the moment when messy roommate #3 realizes for herself that she is a slob and rectifies the matter.

Interactions between girls can be likened to a prisoner's dilemma. In an effort to "spare" feelings (though it's debatable whether feelings are ever spared), underhanded and behind-the-back actions take place, and finally, they settle on a solution that is less than optimal. Sometimes it feels that everyone but the female in question is clued in on the problem.

It always comes down to the same question -- isn't it more harmful to beat around the bush than to just plough through (self-awarded brownie points for the two ghs in a row) the situation, whatever it may be? Full disclosure: I am by no means an expert in this department.

One of my high school friends only learned that certain habits of hers annoyed her roommate when she read about them in her roommate's blog (hopefully none of mine find this blog to be biographical!). After reading the blog, my friend spiraled into a dangerous world of "what-ifs" and "maybes" with regards to the reasons her roommate had chosen to broadcast the situation on a public blog rather than personally approach her.

There is empirical evidence to support these claims. Just last month, findings from a study on sociability showed that men are more tolerant of their friends' shortcomings than women are. These findings are related to the theory that men have larger social networks than women...and longer-lasting friendships overall. Many confounds overlooked (you can check them out for yourself), perhaps women have something to learn from men when it comes to their interactions, how they deal with situations, and what they might choose to ignore or better, forget altogether.

After I sent him this study, my friend's father wrote to me, "Feel free to come over anytime for some useful tips on how to treat friends, now that it is clear that we have a mastery over this!" Oscar Wilde once wrote, "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." In the spirit of being earnest, I propose that perhaps the biggest tragedy is that fathers are nowhere to be found in this equation.