“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” -Aristotle

A couple nights ago, I was a fly on the wall while a heated conversation echoed through the room. The show was not very good but all the performers claim to have received rave reviews. The saddest part is that they probably did. Nobody will ever give them honest criticism.

Criticism, even of the constructive sort, is like a pill. It's hard to swallow even when we know it will help. As I sat there listening, I realized that the for this performance troupe, life was going to be one big vicious cycle. They'll never see a need to change or improve, and so, they won't.

My sixth grade public speaking course was as much about learning to speak publicly as it was about learning to critique others. Begin with the positives and connect the positive clauses to the negative ones using "and" not "but" our teacher explained. It was my first encounter with framing effects. "You were inaudible and stuttered quite a bit, but great posture!" seems far worse than "You had great posture and you could work on speaking louder and stuttering less." It was also my first encounter with peer reviews. Until that point in my life, feedback came in the form of stickers and inked smiley faces.

A friend and I spent the summer after sixth grade choreographing a dance for a show. We were very enthusiastic about it...and very serious. Finally, at the end of the summer, we invited some friends (who had been very carefully selected to participate) to watch, learn, and perform the dance with us. It was our masterpiece. When the music ended, the moments we expected to be filled with applause and general excitement were instead filled with silence. One of the moms offered Oh...we will find a professional to teach you girls a dance. If you've never experienced it, that's what rejection sounds like. As if on cue, my eyes welled up with hot, salty tears which, within moments, were streaming down my face.

Criticism is difficult to accept. Even when it is crafted well and comes from the right person, it can still seem malicious. It could be more powerful were the words uttered by my college counselor upon reading draft 1 of my college essay. There it was. Her five-word comment on my five-hundred-word piece. More than thought or time, I had put heart into that essay and despite knowing in my mind that she was just trying to help me, I still felt the essay was being attacked and under appreciated.

To be fair, criticism is also difficult to give. Peer editing was a major aspect of my English courses through the years, and still, most of my peer edits were hesitant, prefaced with words like "maybe." Maybe you could try a different metaphor. The only person who has ever received my most honest and unplugged criticism on an essay is my brother (we both know that no matter what I say, he still has to be my brother).

My high school was especially entrenched in the performing arts and I once suggested a Performance Review column for our school paper. Sure you can write one our faculty adviser started. I knew a qualifier was to follow. But you have to be ready to write negative reviews as well...and this is a pretty small school. I had conveniently overlooked that aspect. I had my opinions but I knew I did not have the heart (or maybe the strength) to publicly decry the hard work of my peers if the need or situation arose.

My piano teacher was very honest. Brutally honest. No euphemisms. Your playing at the recital was no good. She told it how it was. I had no choice but to take it. And not just about piano, but other things too. I don't like this dress. As time went on, maybe because I got used to it, maybe because I matured, I began not only to trust her more, but also to turn to her for her opinion. I appreciated her criticism because it came from a place that cared when she didn't have to. It came from a place that was looking out for me. That wanted me to improve. She had no other motives.

To be the best possible, we have to accept that the criticism we provide and receive may not always be words we want to provide and receive. And as long as there are honorable intentions, you only stand to succeed. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help."