A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I am an extremely sarcastic individual (well, if I were being precise, I'd call it verbally ironic, but let's face it: Nobody has thought about the different types of irony since a middle-school English course). In groups of people that don't know me, I often find myself needing to explain, "Oh...that was a joke." This kills me because it's a reflection of poor execution on my part and a social barrier (and usually, a waste of a joke).

Theory of mind is the ability to attribute your own mental states (beliefs, desires, intentions) to yourself and to understand that other people don't share your individual theory of mind (and have their own beliefs, desires, intentions). Humans and chimps are the only species to have a theory of mind, and human children don't even develop this ability until around the age of three.

I was born in the Bay Area, and lived in the same house from right around the age I was developing a theory of mind (that's not really relevant, it just seemed like a cool coincidence) until I shipped off to college at 18. I went to the same school from kindergarten through sixth grade, and from sixth grade through high school. This allowed me to develop some pretty deep relationships. And being a person who enjoys the comfort of a longtime friend and quite frankly, is nervous around new people, I rarely went out of my way to make new friends. I was picky at the get-go, and then I didn't really feel a need for change. I was extremely content with the people who permeated my life. College was the first time in 18 years that I was living in a new geography, and thus the first time in 18 years that I had to really make new friends. And once again, after getting comfortable in college, I didn't really push myself to make new ones (except for senior year, when I made a couple quality additions to my friends circle).

While the above paragraph paints a beautiful, comfortable picture of friendship, it also reveals some inherent problems for people like me:

1. I place less value on my own situational actions (an in-the-moment comment, for example) because I assume my interaction partners to have already separated situations involving me from my overall disposition. I am like a two-year-old child who thinks that because I saw my mom hide a toy in a cabinet, my dad, who was in another room, knows the ball has been hidden. (Take a moment to let that sink in, it always sort of tripped me up).

2. I operate under the illusion that I'll have inordinate amounts of time to get to know a person (who I want to get to know). That we'll have several encounters and build this amazing friendship akin to those which I have with people I've known for what now, feels like an eternity. Unfortunately, though, once you are in the real world, with people starting and ending life stages at different times, there are less opportunities and is less likelihood for that slowly brewed friendship (think about those landmark times you made friends - the start of college, starting at a new company, moving to a new city, joining a new activity, etc. Most of us don't do those things everyday).

There is this story I tell about a childhood friend that is meant to be taken as a playful reprimand. In the past, I've told this story with success (receiving desired laughs) to our other childhood friends -- people whose pasts I not only intimately know, but in which I have played a significant role. Recently, I rehashed this story to a newer crowd, only to later realize that it must have come across as judgmental and ignorant. A failed instance of theory of mind. It's also worthy to note here that there is a certain finesse to mixing longtime friends with newer ones. A finesse I have yet to perfect.

Prior to concluding this post, I'd like to pause to emphasize and reemphasize how much I love meeting new people. It's just I somewhat naively wish for those worthy new acquaintances to immediately become close, unconditional friends from which I draw so much comfort and contentment.

I recently finished reading Mindy Kaling's (yup, that's Kelly Kapoor from The Office) book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" In it, she presents a list of "Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities," which, in my mind, are so utterly en pointe. The last two are: 1) It's okay to take me for granted and 2) No two people are better than us.

And to conclude, my at-times failing theory of mind only reminds me how often I take for granted those unconditional friendships (and familial relationships). Unfortunately, I often get entrenched in the moment, new situations, new life changes, new projects, new groups of people, that I put the oldtimers on hold. They'll always be there I think to myself. Well, I know it's unfair and so for all those times, and those to come, I just gotta say...thanks.